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07 February 2009 @ 08:38 pm
Title: Blink
Pairing: TakaBu [others mentioned]
Genre: Romance, AU
Rating: PG
Summary: All alone he turns to stone while holding his breath half to death.

He wears his heart safety pinned to his backpack
His backpack is all that he knows

The wedding is small. That's all Takaki can really think of to describe it. Small and private and. And, well, in all honesty, he doesn't even know why he was invited in the first place. His suit feels awkward, stuffy, itchy where it shouldn't be. He palms the back of his head nervously, pushing at the stiff neck of his white button-up shirt to lessen the discomfort.

“So, how have you been, Yuuya-kun?”

Takaki turns to face Yabu's mom, tiny gray dress making her look older and more frail than usual. Perhaps she is, he thinks briefly, eying the sharp edges of her wrist and sunken cheek bones. He hasn't seen her in over a year; people change quickly, he guesses.

“Good,” he says with the complimentary smile. He's practiced it all a thousand times – he wasn't a Johnny's Idol for nothing – and faking stuff like this comes naturally. Perhaps he shouldn't be so proud of it, but at this moment he's quite relieved to have the skills. “I've been good. And you?”

She laughs merrily, placing her hand lightly on the upper part of his arm. Her fingers feel like ice on a burn. “No need to be so polite, Yuuya-kun. You're by no means a stranger, after all.” Her eyes scare Takaki a little; he feels as if they can peel through the layers of his mask, just like her son could – was always able to. “I'm sure Kouta would like to see you if you're not too busy right now. He's standing outside the church doors. Go talk to him, Yuuya.” Her eyes linger meaningfully, sincere in their intentions, before she turns to speak with the other guests, smile bright and easy.

The doors look so foreboding, so mind-numbingly terrifying, and it's all Takaki can do to keep from taking a step backward. His stomach does some weird acrobatic act, heart thumping painfully in his chest, as his breakfast churns nauseatingly in the pit of his belly.

He takes a step forward, then another, each step echoing loudly in his head, driving him insane, until he can feel the carpeting underneath him, softening the noise and numbing the chaos. He turns the door handle which is smooth, cool, metallic, slipping underneath his fingertips, and winces as it creaks open. The sun blinds him momentarily. He reaches up, guards his eyes with his hand, and peeks through the slots in between his fingers to nervously seek out Yabu.

He spots him down on his knees in front of the koi pond, hands firmly planted on the stones outlining the sidings of the water's edge. He lets out a shaky breath, steels his nerves after debating whether or not he should just leave, act like he was never there in the first place, and walks unsteadily to where Yabu is.

It feels strange, to stare down at the older boy's back, broad and strong and everything he's already had to watch walk away once before, the distance inevitably increasing. He wants to run his fingers over Yabu's shoulders, pull him closer, watch him melt underneath the touch. The expanse of skin that stretches just above his waistline taunts and mocks, urging Takaki to do something stupid, and if it wasn't for the inhuman amount of self-restraint he'd taught himself over the years of working with the boy in front of him, he probably would have followed his body's demands.

Instead he leans down, picks up the suit jacket laying on the ground where Yabu must have discarded it at one point, and hangs it over one arm, watches as Yabu breaks sharply from his reverie.

"Takaki..." he whispers in surprise, looking all the more unsure of himself.

"...'lo," Takaki musters, lowering his eyes and picking at the pieces of string caught on the sleeve of his shirt.

"I'm, uh...glad you could make it."

Takaki kicks at the ground with the toe of his shiny, black dress shoe, scuffing the tip of it, and nods, tiny and almost indistinctly. "I'm sure..."

Yabu stares up at him, knows in the back of his head that this isn't good, that he's not glad at all, and that Takaki most likely really does not want to be there. But he needs this, needs the closure, so he stands and looks at him, gazes meeting eye to eye - they're exactly the same height now - and braces himself for what they both knew would come at one point in their lives.

"I think we need to talk."

Takaki stills, forgets to breath, before he laughs dryly, all thought escaping him except 'I knew this would happen. I knew this. I knew, I knew, I knew. And yet...and yet... And yet.'

"Want to go for a walk?"

Takaki shakes his head, turns to glance briefly at the church standing behind them, seemingly a completely separate world from where they find themselves now, alone and so unbelievably scared. "We shouldn't. Not with...you know. Not with how soon...and...yeah."

"Right," Yabu says quickly. "Right, I mean, yeah. Okay." He looks at Takaki from underneath his bangs, obscuring his vision. "So can we talk here, then?"

"I have no choice, right?" Takaki jokes, finds it a little discerning when all he can hear is his own empty laughter.

"You do," Yabu insists quietly. "You can just walk away now, if you want. I can't stop you; I never could. I...I would never want to." Takaki knows he's right, has thought about that exact option at least a hundred times within the last few seconds, but he also knows he's in too deep now to leave, can't turn back without regrets. "Or you can hear me out. Whichever one."

"I think we need to finish this, Kouta," Takaki says curtly. "Whatever this is, exactly."

"We both know what it was, Yuuya. Don't play stupid," Yabu replies, hurts a little at the way Takaki is trying to brush it off as meaningless, insignificant. "Unless you're meaning to insult everything we were, everything we had."

"I'm not the one getting married today, Yabu. Don't talk to me about insulting."

The fire burns, crackles beneath the surface and inflames the senses.

"You couldn't be the one getting married today; you wouldn't be able to keep yourself grounded long enough to even know what the hell the other girl's name was."

"Since when did you become so petty, Yabu?" Takaki whispers to no one, head turned to the ground. "Since when did you become so cold."

"Ever since you left me at the gas station, Takaki. Ever since you started questioning things, things I couldn't give you answers to. Ever since you stopped talking to me, stopped letting me into your life, your heart. Ever since you stopped loving me."

"I never-"

"Don't lie, Takaki. It was painfully obvious for everyone, not just me."

The anger has dissipated, has been replaced with sadness and emptiness and. And they just don't know what to do anymore. They feel as if they've lost the will to try, to search for the answer.

Bells chime in the background, clear and beautiful, punctuating the silence, and suddenly they know. Suddenly it hits them.

"It's time for me to leave," Yabu says, re-tucks his undershirt, buttons up his jacket. "It's time for me to say goodbye."

Takaki smiles, full of every feeling, every thought, every touch, every memory he's ever wanted to convey, and he leans forward, brushes his lips against Yabu's cheek and memorizes the map of Yabu's face, the smoothness of his skin, warm and radiating, glowing.

"And that means it's time for me to go," Takaki says, slowly meeting Yabu's gaze. "Right?"

Yabu breathes in, feels his heart split open, weightless and free, and he smiles at Takaki, knows that even as his heart his breaking it's for the best. It's what they've needed; what they've wanted.

"I'll see you later, then."


Yabu watches as his mom sobs happily in the front pew, pats his fathers arm as he and his new wife begin their walk down the isle, arms linked.

And later when his mom asks him where Takaki was, why he wasn't at the ceremony, Yabu can smile openly, honestly, and say 'gone,' even as his mother shakes her head in confusion. 'where he's supposed to be.'


Takaki smiles to himself, closes the doors of the church as soon as Yabu hooks his arm through his wife's, and walks to his car. The leather of his steering wheel feels unfamiliar, like he's never touched such a thing before. Truthfully, everything around him feels new, refreshed, and though his heart aches, he revels in this new feeling.

"Goodbye, Yabu Kouta," he shouts out his window, voice carried away in the wind as he drives away. "Goodbye and good riddance."

Out of his mind
The weight pushes him whispering
Must have been out of his mind

I am addicted. Addicted. Holy shit, can you say ADDICTED. Guh.
Ah, yeah, comment, w/e. You know the process. :)
i_collect_cars on February 8th, 2009 04:10 am (UTC)
iizanagi: Apple Bowliizanagi on February 8th, 2009 04:15 am (UTC)
Fast! :D
i_collect_cars on February 8th, 2009 04:29 am (UTC)

*cough* Yuuya. *cough* Kouta. =D



I seriously want to cry over this though. ;___; I think it's the first fic in which they weren't actually...together XD

Edited at 2009-02-08 04:37 am (UTC)
iizanagi: Yamapi + Puppyiizanagi on February 8th, 2009 05:52 am (UTC)
Er...but...ehehe... :D
I'll tell you next time?


And I am not angsty. This was not all that angsty. It just...D: Guh.

Fr srs? Like...it was okay? For me not being the the fandom or anything?

YAY! first?
That makes me a shitty person. -_____-
i_collect_cars on February 8th, 2009 11:06 pm (UTC)

I was just thinking...comments need a "listening to" thing on them. Agreed? Because that leaves more times to be able to "listen to" songs and idk...that's where I actually care XD Not so much in the entries, yk? I propose that we start doing that.

Listening to: Never Stop Music - Ya-Ya-yah

Edited at 2009-02-08 11:06 pm (UTC)
Aeris: YamaChiiaeri_s on February 8th, 2009 04:50 am (UTC)
Crap I love this. Well, I love well written fic. Well written HSJ is like super bonus XD Well written /angst/ HSJ fic is <3

It's...Hm. If I were to pick one thing I particularly enjoyed, I think it'd be the pacing. *nods*
iizanagi: Appleiizanagi on February 8th, 2009 05:56 am (UTC)
Thanks! I normally only write NewS fic, so this was kind of an 'out-of-comfort-zone' type fic for me. Haha~ I'm still glad to hear you like it though.
neonismneonism on February 8th, 2009 05:29 am (UTC)
This is really beautiful.

iizanagi: Sushiiizanagi on February 8th, 2009 05:56 am (UTC)
Thanks~! <333
Kristienkaouchan on February 8th, 2009 05:32 am (UTC)
O.O woah.. its like this is the 1st takabu fic that is angst demo good job..
iizanagi: Pannacottaiizanagi on February 8th, 2009 05:58 am (UTC)
Aha...can't tell if that's a good or bad thing? But I'll take it as good.

Thank you for commenting.:)
(Deleted comment)
iizanagi: Plateiizanagi on February 8th, 2009 06:00 am (UTC)
Haha~ I have to admit, I think this is the first angst fic I've ever written.

But...I hope you liked it anyway? Haha... ^-^
Eemir / Aidanhimeeemir_eera on February 8th, 2009 07:43 am (UTC)

huwaaaa....I HATE YOU...why you makes me cry?...*wipe tears*....

this is so well written...*thumbs up*...^___^
idiot man: takabuiotakanishi on February 8th, 2009 09:14 am (UTC)
don't worry takaki you have me *SHOT*
suteiisuteii on February 9th, 2009 03:26 am (UTC)
I loved this, it actually made me cry. It was written so beautifully.

Thank-you for sharing.
maplarojcanmaplarojcan on February 15th, 2009 03:19 pm (UTC)
*blink* *blink* *blink*

hahaha. :)) it reminds me of doushite... by tvxq. or even prodai.

just wish that takaki had the yosei to help him, maybe he wouldn't be so stupid anymore naa? T___T

this is lovely.